I have never been the fittest of people, there have been lucid moments of physical activity and where weight loss has come easy...Although I had to get divorced for that to happen.
So I thought to myself that since I am heading to the states at christmas and would like to explore the taste of "BBQ"..that I should at least make some attempt at dropping a few pounds. So I took myself off to "my" gym. You know, the place I have been a member of for the last 8 years and been to twice. (Once was Christmas day..and unbelievably it was closed)
Thankfully the car park is close to the front door so I am not completely buggered before I actually get in. Of course once inside I can feel the nausea starting as I peruse the mass of hot sweaty, and in most cases great bodies. You see, I am the before photo..I am the inspiration that keeps all the other gym goers working so hard. As I walk pass one of the trainers I casually mention if they know where the defibrillator is, just in case the 19 year old cheer leader that walked in the same time as me requires it.
This is where I start coming up with the excuses. I mean if some one says the inevitable "we haven't seen you for a while", I need to be prepared with an excuse. Of course theses excuses can vary from the sublime to the unbelievable. My favorite of course is that I have been on work transfer to the forests of Borneo and was unable to join the local gym due to it''s "Anti chubby white guy "policy. I also consider that my unofficial job as "Vodka Reviewer" can have a detrimental effect on my physique, although from experience this particular excuse is met with disdain.
Once in the gym I am all ready sweating, not from actually doing anything but from knowing that I am about to torture myself. The treadmill is my tool for warm up, but often my heart rate is all ready above 95 the time I get to it and I consider that the walk alone is adequate. (Actually playing Sudoku on my IPAD can see my heart rate above 110) After all I don't want to be completely exhausted before I try the circuit. I have splashed water on my face before leaving the mens room as this gives gives me that sweaty look...( I also find standing in the means steam room fully clothed has the same desired effect).
And then there is the circuit, thoughtfully invented by a torture specialist during the middle ages. Here I am put through a series of tortures especially designed to ensure I never walk like a normal human being again and that when I try to drink my afternoon vodka that I spill most of it from muscle spasms and shaking hand syndrome.
After all the torture is complete I crawl awkwardly back to the changing room, where I slip into the handicapped shower as I find this is a great place to shower while lying down.
As I leave I am disillusioned to discover that I am actually a kilo heavier than what I was when I walked in. Oh well, I can only hope next months work out has a better result....
Wow Rog, you're planning to go once a month?!?!
ReplyDeleteYou are so committed ;-D
No point in rushing into such things..one must take time and ease oneself into such activities.
DeleteI'm with you Rog, you have to pace yourself with these things. That's why I've had a nice long think before commiting myself to a gym membership (I dont think 5 years is too long to think about it, do you?)
DeleteDont worry mate there's heaps of us out there who do pretty much what you are doing .. hey you do realise that you have more lung capacity now .. it will be easier than it was a year ago :-)
Poor Rog. Would you believe me if I told you that all of us have a secret membership to a gym that we never go to? I was under the impression for a long time that being a member would be enough to lose weight, and I was surprised that you actually have to show up and do stuff to get in shape. Good luck with your plans, mate.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sonja, I feel better knowing i am not the only mis guided individual alive when it comes to exercise...
DeleteThis a wonderful story, very familiar. I finally cancelled my gym membership last June since I only used it during the winter (but went five times per week to compensate for the zero times during riding season.) I was. Supposed to do the circuit training but kept on going back to the treadmill since it was more familiar.
ReplyDeleteI did learn that the heart rate tables are just guidelines and my actual HR for getting any aerobic benefit was near where the treadmill kept shutting down.
I do try to get there..I just loathe everything about them!
DeleteI've never belonged to a gym. I'm rather allergic to exercising inside. Oh well, good luck. And, thanks for bringing a smile to my face.
ReplyDeleteNo worries good to know I have brightened your day.
DeleteRoger:
ReplyDeleteI am getting worked up just thinking about it. I hope you don't arrive too FIT, as I cannot walk a long way due to my foot problem and lack of lung capacity
bob
Riding the Wet Coast
My Flickr // My YouTube
Me and you both....I have a buggered foot as well which causes me a few issues when walking, we will get by, afterall that is what taxis are for.
DeleteWell, you have summed up pretty well the thoughts going through my head. But I cancelled the gym membership long ago when it took me 30 minutes to drive the 10 miles, to spend swimming laps, and not seeing any effect. I'm making the elliptical available if you want to stagger onto it between arm bends.
ReplyDeleteI know whatthat elliptical thing is, apparantly you only have to use it for 5 minutes a day and to loos like 400 pounds...TV never lies.
DeleteI assume this your piece for the "Comedy Capers" writing competition for this month... I have re-read it in the vague hope the "smurk and giggle" fit I had would go away - no way, just got worse...
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the exercise programme - you could always try the H-D program... H-D program you ask - yes, the one where you buy a H-D and push it everywhere... Could try that with a Triumph, I guess.
Cheers.
Thanks Mark, was trying to be creative! As for your other comment I shall treat that with the disdain it deserves.
DeleteRog, I should have mentioned that if you "do" the Triumph programme you have to 'Sprint' everywhere... hehe...
DeleteWhat's a gym? Kidding....... I have an aversion to gyms and have never been a member. I really enjoyed the humor in which you wrote this Roger.
ReplyDeleteI prefer walking and hiking for exercise and getting the heart rate up. I could probably stand to do some toning up of muscles, but meh not for me.
The best way to drop a couple of pounds I've found is just to change your eating habits and portion control with some walking thrown in.
Looking forward to seeing you in January.
Brandy...Giving up smoking has been good and bad! But that is my biggest triumph this year, will work on the bod after the holiday. Looking forward to seeing you and Brad as well...should be a hoot!
DeleteHahahaha - wonderful bit of writing mate! I know how you feel, our company gym was about 50 metres from my office and it was hard to be in there with all the guys who played rugby and looked like young gods. This exercise thing must be catching as I went out on the mountain bike last night for the first time in weeks.
ReplyDeleteHappy eating.......
Thanks Geoff, Well done on the bike ride, a man of your vintage getting out is truly inspiring.....cough cough...
DeleteIncredible, So Roger I have finally found someone thats almost as lazy as I am. I nearly choked on my chips and beer as I was reading your post. I felt your excuses were quite legit and reasonable, I have no idea why those fit people wouldn't take you on face value.
ReplyDeleteHang on a sec I need another snickers and bourbon and coke.......